His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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