He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
