The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize