even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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