; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Two words: blizzard sex
you made out with another girl for some wings
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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