Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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