This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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