Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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