i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize