the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
