Can i not drive my cunt home
i already hear my dad disowning me
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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