Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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