Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
