someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
last night I used snow as a chaser
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
