So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize