I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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