I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
