The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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