I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize