Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
