your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize