She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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