New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
