I wish I could teleport
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
