You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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