I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize