They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
