Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
