i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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