Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
