well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
