First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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