When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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