If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize