I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
