Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
