i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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