A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
