sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
