I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
