The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
