you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
