so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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