Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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