Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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