I looked at my own cervix.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i dont even know how to be here
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
