I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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