in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
