Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
