thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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