theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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