JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
