chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
