I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm always down for nudity.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
