I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
