well you can't waste a boner
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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