I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
