we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
did i walk over a car last night?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
