Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
